The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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