Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
