oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
