I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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