I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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