how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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