If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
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He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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