i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
