Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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