a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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