i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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