1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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