there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
