I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
