I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
