you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
