she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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