i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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