dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
