Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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