i would punch a child for taco bell
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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