Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
