I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
