I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
