omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Wipe that smile off your face.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.