every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
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Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.