On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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