I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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