You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i love accidental penises.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
