i need an iv and a liver transplant
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
