Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
