the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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