I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
