I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
