It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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