Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
