shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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