im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
