remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
