Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
