Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
