yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
