whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
