8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
