Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
