Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize