you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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