put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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