My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
