Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
