Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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