i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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