I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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