just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize