I'm lost and stupid without you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
