Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
